absence.

"I solemnly urge you in the presence of God and Christ Jesus, 

who will someday judge the living and the dead when he appears to set up his Kingdom: 

Preach the word of God. Be prepared, whether the time is favorable or not. 

Patiently correct, rebuke, and encourage your people with good teaching....

But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. 

Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. 

Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you."

2 Timothy4.

Being placed in a setting filled with unfamiliarity and sometimes uncomfortableness has brought to my attention some of the most disappointing and upsetting self-assessments. & that is what i will share with you. i tend to do a lot of my thinking while enjoying a relatively silent taxi ride. normally i dont mind the silence and actually on most days enjoy it.. it gives me time to gather my thoughts and simply reflect on my already accomplished activities. however, today the silence did not bring reflection, but a rather surprising and 'hurting' sensation. it was at that moment, the silence slapped me in the face and took my mind to an assessment of my actions and responsibility regarding the Christian's role as a steward of his Word. i ached with embarrassment at the realization of not my lack of boldness here in a foreign land, but on my own grounds. my home. my culture. my tongue. 

i journaled "see, when you don't know language and can't communicate even half, even a quarter of the things that you would be able to in your own culture, it makes you realize the importace of opportunity. it becomes more of a priority for you, it makes you more passionate and motivated to go out and reach the people that you can communicate with.

i don't know how to explain it in words. i just feel as if when i go home i will spend more time with those that need Jesus because God has given the gift of language and communication to be used and if i am not sharing the gospel with them then i am not using what he has equipped me with. i really wish i could explain fully what i am feeling. i just feel horrible at the opportunities wasted. it is pure selfishnesses. i know the language and the culture to be able to minister and i am not. Lord when i make it back to the states- please keep me focused on reaching those that are lost. May no more opportunities pass." 

it was not until i lacked the skills that the urgency of the message and itch to preach about the Son of God became real to me. it is true, pure selfishness is what reigns in our hearts when we care more for our own well-being than those around us. i know we have heard it a millon times.. your missions field is in your backyard.. but honestly it is...i pray that you may share this conviction with me.. & if you feel that that is too bold then well be it. for it is when we don't feel that conviction, that we indeed are the ones that are lost.  

may it never again take the absence of resources to understand the seriousness of the gospel.